A Modest Carbon Proposal by Jonathan Swifthack

I have posted this on behalf of my close friend, Jonathan Swifthack:

On Friday, October 1, 2010, a British “green group” known as 10:10 uploaded a video advertisement called No Pressure.  In the opening scene, a school teacher explains that 10:10 wishes us all to reduce our carbon footprint by 10%.  When a few children are hesitant to join the movement, they are blown to pieces and the blood and gore fly.  The ad was pulled within hours.  Of course, those on both sides of the global warming debate expressed their shock and outrage.  I agree.  I am SHOCKED, just SHOCKED that 10:10 suggests that we blow up our children!  What a dumb idea. 

Instead, we should be EATING OUR CHILDREN.

10:10 compounded their mistake by letting the deniers of AGW in on the secret- just about every scientist is driving the doomsday global warming agenda in order to get rich and to force a global world government that will tax our pants off and tell us what we can and cannot do with our lives.  Those that wish we continue to do business as usual now see what they are up to.  They want to kill people to reduce carbon emissions.  People use carbon, especially those pesky Americans, Canadians, and Australians, so fewer people means those that are left behind will be dealing with less global warming and a smaller chance of that world government.

Well, now that the cat is out of the carbon bag, I have a modest proposal.  I agree with 10:10 that people need to be killed and it must be the children.  If you consider a world without children it becomes obvious.

There would be no more driving every day back and forth to sporting events and practices.  No more driving to music lessons or to those weekend sleepovers.  We would not even have to take those family trips anymore.  Disney World?  Save that flying!  Do you know how much carbon is emitted by driving and flying those children?  Families without children would save several tons of carbon per year.  A trip to Disney from New York for a family of four emits 3500 lb of CO2.  We need to eat the kids.

So what does a father and mother do when the kids all move out?  They sell that big house and get a smaller one.  We need to save time and eat the kids now.  We can get that smaller house much sooner.  A smaller home is so much less energy intensive.  On top of that, how many parents keep the thermostat warmer in the winter and cooler in the summer “so the children are comfortable.”  Imagine that thermostat in your house with no children.  Less winter heating and less summer A/C.  A dream, right?  I know.  Just like you are, I am calculating the savings in my head right now.  Ka-ching!

Children need things all the time.  All those plastic toys?  Yep.  Carbon.  Clothes do not make themselves and kids go through them rapidly.  And those clothes are constantly getting dirty.  How much electricity do you think you are using to keep Junior’s clothes the right size and clean?  Shoes?  Forget about it. Shoes can have a carbon footprint of up to 200 lb.   Much electricity is involved in getting those toys and clothes made and where do they mostly come from?  If you said China, you win the cupie doll.  What fuel does China use?  Dirty coal that emits massive amounts of CO2.  We need to eat the children.

So you may be wondering why eating the children is a better solution than 10:10’s blowing them apart.  Food.  If they are in a million pieces we cannot eat them so they go to waste.

The figure below from Christopher Weber and Scott Matthews of Carnegie Mellon University shows the GHG footprint of various foods.  Weber and Matthews conducted a life-cycle assessment of greenhouse gases emitted during all stages of growing and transporting food. They found transportation creates only 11% of the 8.1 metric tons of greenhouse gases that an average U.S. household generates annually from food consumption. The agricultural and industrial practices that go into growing and harvesting food create 83%.

GHG footprint of various foods

If we eat our children, we get the best of both worlds.  We remove those little feet that have large carbon footprints by replacing beef with our children, thus saving the huge carbon footprint of eating beef instead.  Kids Meal takes on a whole new meaning, does it not?  Furthermore, kids eat burgers and hot dogs and they drink milk.  Try to get them to switch out that hot dog or burger for vegetables.  Good luck!  Of course, adults are happy to eat vegetables to save the planet.  We get the most carbon saving bang for the buck by eating our kids.  Think of eating a child as planting a tree. 

There is the little yellow bus now.  I need to go.  I have a few “problems” to take care of and my stomach is really starting to growl.

Absurd, you think?  Well, just as absurd as the denialospere (Climate Depot, Reference Frame, WUWT, etc.) using the ridiculous 10:10 ad as a poster child of some New World Order run by eco-Fascists/terrorists that is targeting our children (Tom Fuller at WUWT) along with the science-deniers.  Please.  You are so transparent.